Handcuffs and Handlebars
by alchemicmonkey
Summary: Oneshot requested by my friend Shanaynay. Vampire Knight and Fullmetal Alchemist crossover. Zero and Ed are kinda out of character. So flame me.


_Handcuffs and Handlebars_

Zero Kiryu was driving down the highway in his sleek black convertible, the hot summer breeze ruffling his snow-white hair. There wasn't much scenery to look at; just the scattered shrubs found in a desert with the occasional cactus. The sky was big and blue and seemingly endless above his head, almost blending into the grey-lavender silhouettes of the mountains in the distance. He was approximately fifty miles from the next city. He was returning from visiting the graves of his parents and would be meeting Yuki and Kaname for dinner when he arrived.

Several miles ahead, he saw a small red blotch on the side of the road. As he drove closer, he could see that it was a broken down motorcycle. Its riders were standing by the vehicle. Feeling sympathetic, he pulled over.

"Need any help?" he offered. The one closest to the roadside, a cute little thing with long tawny hair and grey eyes jogged over.

"We just need a ride into the next city," she smiled hopefully. "If that's okay," she added.

"Yeah, I'm headed there anyway. Hop in," he jerked his thumb at the empty seats. He watched the other rider, the driver as evidenced by the keys dangling from gloved fingers. The driver kicked the machine and swore at it.

"Hey, we've got a ride!" the brunette cried, waving her arms. The driver turned and stomped towards the car, muttering.

The driver swung itself over the door and into the seat, pulling off the metallic red helmet in the process. Long blond locks fell around the face, framing large golden eyes, "Thanks, man."

"It's nothing. I'll call a tow when we get into town," Zero shrugged. He watched as the blond tightened her ponytail and combed it with her fingers.

"My name's Al Elric," the brunette said cheerily. "This is Ed Elric."

"Zero," the white-haired man replied blandly. He steered the car back onto the freeway and continued on his way into town. He didn't bother asking why the two girls had such… manly names; his own name was a number so he shouldn't talk about strange names.

"You can drop us off at the Seven Sins nightclub," Ed said a half hour later.

"Another coincidence; that's where I'm going," Zero felt a grin tug at his lips. He was about to complain when Ed propped her feet up in the dashboard, but decided against it as the two girls had had a rough time. He had broken down on his way to his hometown and had to wait for two and a half hours before a tow truck came because he forgot to put a spare tire in his trunk. He absently wondered why his two practically nocturnal friends were taking him to a nightclub. It just wasn't his thing, but he lacked the will to suggest going somewhere more 'normal' like a restaurant.

"Funny," Ed agreed, tossing her blond bangs out of her eyes.

"I can't believe your engine got fried!" al complained, smacking her forehead. She slumped over and stretched out in the backseat.

"I told you to check the radiator before we left!" Ed snapped back. "If it isn't full of water, it overheats. I specifically told you to check the water levels; you know how far it is to our hometown from Central City!"

"Out of the curiosity, where's your hometown?" Zero asked, feeling awkwardly left out of the conversation.

"It's a small town called Risembool. I wouldn't be too surprised if you've never heard of it before," Al replied through a yawn.

"Actually, I'm from Risembool as well," Zero replied. "My brother Ichiru still lives there with his girlfriend Shizuka."

"This is starting to sound like more than coincidence," Ed muttered. Zero's eyes lingered on the blonde, watching her expression shift between anger and exhaustion.

"You two can go to sleep if you want. We're still about an hour from the city," he suggested.

He heard Al shift into a more comfortable position. It wasn't long before light snoring mixed with the sound of rushing wind. Zero chuckled to himself; Ed had a totally different expression when she slept. Her furrowed brows were smooth and serene and she looked like a little kid. Al started giggling in her sleep, making Zero slightly jealous. He had woken up at four this morning to make the eight hour drive to Central city from Risembool, and on top of that he had fallen asleep shortly after one in the morning last night and his hangover was still hanging around. As soon as he was done with whatever Yuki and Kaname had planned he was going back to his apartment and sleeping well past noon the next day.

* * *

"Wake up, we're here," Zero said an hour later. He shook Ed until she woke up then did the same for Al. she stretched and pushed her hair out of her face.

"Is my makeup okay?" she asked self consciously, bringing one hand up to her pale skin.

"You're gorgeous; let's go," Ed half-barked. "Thanks for the ride, Zero," she said, flashing him a dazzling smile. He grinned back stupidly and waved. The two walked towards the door and the blonde glanced over her shoulder to wink at Zero. He shook his head and went to find a parking place.

"There you are!" Yuki's voice cried sharply. He slammed on the brakes, making the tires screech.

"Don't scare me like that Yuki!" he snapped. "I coulda hit someone!"

"Sorry, sorry," she apologized. She followed him while he parked his car, then power-walked to keep up with his large stride as they entered the club. "Uh… Kaname tried to keep them away, but Ichijo and Shiki and Ruka came. Kain and Aido stayed away, though," she chattered.

"Whatever," he grumbled. As if he wanted to hang out with Kaname's friends. They practically lived at night too, always going out to clubs and stuff. They also took night classes at Cross Academy (Zero took day classes) and he had to wonder how they managed their strange schedules. Yuki had been in the day classes, but had transferred to the night ones, probably because of Kaname. The thought made him ground his teeth together. Quicker than he thought possible, he remembered the dazzling smile Ed had worn a few minutes ago. That one gesture… or memory of the gesture… lightened his entire mood. He pulled out his black Razr and quickly dialed the number for the nearest towing company.

"What are you doing?" Yuki inquired.

"Calling a tow truck," Zero replied.

"Why? You made it back in one piece," she commented.

"I picked up some girls whose motorcycle broke down and I told them I'd call a tow truck and have it picked up," he clarified.

"Oh…" Yuki mumbled.

"Hi, I need to have a motorcycle towed into town. About fifty miles outside Central city. Yeah… name? Uh… Ed and Al Elric. I don't know, I just gave them a ride into town," Zero jabbered into the device. "I don't know their phone number either. Okay, thanks. I'll get that info and call back," he sighed angrily and clicked his phone shut.

"Something wrong, Zero?" Kaname asked as Zero and Yuki approached the booth.

"Nothing in particular," he replied coolly. "So what kind of club is this?"

"It's a strip club," Shiki replied monotonously as he stirred the ice cubes in his drink with his straw.

"What?" Zero demanded flatly. A strip club? Oh, heck no was he going to no strip club. The last thing he needed right now was that. And to think that he could've gone home and passed out on the couch.

"What can I get you three?" a waitress whose nametag read 'Lust' asked the three people without drinks (Kaname, Yuki and Zero)as she sauntered over.

"I'm going to the bar," Zero growled, slamming his hands on the table as he stood up.

"Suit yourself hotshot," Lust said in a sultry voice, flipping her long wavy brown hair over her shoulder. Zero couldn't help noticing the serpent tattoo on her chest. He shook his head and plopped down on a bar stool. No way was he going to sit here and stay sober.

"What'll it be?" a bartender with short spiked hair and sunglasses asked, brushing some fur from his vest's collar out of his face.

"Something strong," Zero muttered, holding his head in his hands. He eyed the employee's nametag: 'Greed'. "Are all the employees here named after sins?"

"It ain't called the Seven Sins for nothing," Greed grinned. "Nah, just the original seven of us who opened the joint. I saw you walking away from Lust. I'm Greed and the others are Envy, Pride, Wrath, Gluttony, and Sloth," he set a glass of dark brown liquid in front of Zero. He stared at it suspiciously before downing it. "Strong enough?"

"Y-yeah," Zero coughed. He pounded on his chest a few times and coughed again as the lights dimmed. "What's going on?"

"Oh, you picked the best night to come, dude," a man… at least, Zero thought it was a man… with dark green hair that reached down to the small of his back said as he passed. His nametag read 'Envy'. "We snagged the best stripper duo in the tri-county area. The younger sister is cute as heck, but the elder is a real treat. She's got some great moves."

"What're they're names?" he asked. Why he was hoping it was Ed and Al, he didn't know. There was no way he could want to get their info to get their bike towed _that_ badly.

"The elder is called Fullmetal and the younger's called Aru Chan," Envy replied before continuing on his way. Zero watched him scream something at 'Gluttony', a portly man who worked in the kitchen, briefly before the door swung shut. He returned his gaze to the now colorfully lit stage, eager to see what Fullmetal and Aru Chan looked like.

All at once the lights blacked out. A fair amount of people began cheering as lime green-tinted smoke began creeping across the black stage. A deep bass riff resonated in Zero's chest before merging into The Urgency's 'Fingertips'. Colored lights came on with a flash of blond and tawny hair, and the crowd erupted in applause. Zero inhaled sharply: it _was_ Ed and Al! He sat up straighter and leaned forward, so much so that he almost fell off his stool. He felt a furious blush rise to his face as the pair slowly began shedding their clothing; he had almost forgotten it was a strip club. He was snapped out of his trance when cold metal clamped around one of his wrists. He looked down to see Ed smiling up at him, wearing a tight-fitting, ultra-short leather miniskirt and matching cropped tank top.

"Come with me," he heard her whisper. She flashed another killer smile and he got up and followed her back behind the stage.

"E-Ed?" Zero floundered uncomfortably.

"Tell me honestly, Zero… what you think of me?" she asked, locking the door to her dressing room. She turned around and leaned against it, brushing a stray strand of hair out of her face.

"h-huh?" he stammered, his cheeks heating up.

"Do you like me?" she asked bluntly. "Answer: yes or no?"

"Yeah…" he muttered, looking at his well worn black converse. He glanced at the bejeweled handcuff around his wrist, wondering why Ed just didn't talk to him normally. His mind shifted to what sparkly handcuffs were used for and pressed a hand to his mouth.

"How much do you like me?" Ed inquired, walking towards Zero. He backed up until he felt the wall against his back. Now he was stuck.

"Uh…" he stalled. Things were progressing just a tad too quickly for his tastes, considering the circumstances.

"Do you like me enough…" she continued, pressing her body intoxicatingly close to his. She tilted her head upward and gazed at him longingly with her large golden eyes. "…to know the truth?"

"The truth?" Zero repeated, confused. What was she talking about?

"If our relationship is going to go anywhere…" she murmured, standing on her toes and tugging on his shirt collar so she talk into his ear. Like it was his fault he was so tall. His eyes widened when Ed ground her hips against his. "…you need to know that I'm not what I seem to be."

"You're a… guy?" Zero asked softly.

"See? It does bother you. I knew it," Ed said dejectedly, backing away. How stupid of him, getting all worked up and excited that someone as devilishly good-looking as Zero would even be mildly interested in a cross-dressing transvestite like him. He wiped his cheeks roughly, smearing eyeliner and salty tears across his pale skin. He heard the click of handcuffs and waited to see Zero walk past him and leave. He gasped softly when he felt his arm jerk backwards.

"It doesn't bother me at all," Zero said. Ed turned around to face him, shocked. What was going on?

"Z-Zero…?" he mumbled in a whisper. He tilted his head into Zero's hand as it wiped away fresh tears, his skin warm and rough against his cheek.

"If anything it makes me like you even more," Zero confessed, leaning his face closer to the blonde's. He flicked his tongue across Ed's face, licking away whatever tears remained. The smaller moved his head, his lips brushing Zero's cheek. Zero mimicked the motion, pressing his lips against Ed's. Gestures so simple made the entire world around them dissolve into something that could only be described as 'bliss'. The minds of both males hazed over, with the other in the very center of their remaining clear thoughts.

"You don't mind that I'm a transvestite?" Ed asked when the two separated momentarily for fresh oxygen.

"I find your transvestite-ness extremely attractive. I would ask if you don't mind that I'm gay, but I think it goes without saying," Zero chuckled seductively. "And I can understand why you are the way you are."

"You do?" Ed cried. That was a first. Out of all the people he had, well… tried to romance, no one had so much as looked at him once they found out the truth. That was back before the transvestite-ness. At least now he'd be able to be with men openly... that is, to a certain point anyway. Each relationship he had been in that had veered towards 'intimate' had been ruined by that the other guy had found beneath Ed's clothing. "Do you really understand?" he asked softly.

"I do," Zero grinned, leaning in for another kiss. He pulled Ed closer and wrapped his arms around his slender, toned waist. The smaller pulled Zero's head in even closer, closing whatever miniscule distance was between them. Tongues and teeth were in constant collision as things began to heat up. Zero picked Ed up and started working at his clothing. The pair collapsed on the couch at the far end of the room in a flurry of heated touches.

* * *

Ed blinked a few times until his eyes adjusted to the bright morning sunlight streaming through the venetian blinds and cutting across his face. He smushed his face into a pillow while pulling another over his head. He gasped suddenly and sat bolt upright. He frantically searched the room for the white-haired companion he had been with mere hours ago. He pulled on a pair of boxers and pants and began ransacking the entire room. He was about to burst into tears, something very unlike him and something he had been doing a lot the past twelve hours, and pressed a hand to his mouth. He shut his eyes tightly and pushed that weak feeling deep inside him, burying it beneath several layers of apathy and a bit of anger. He dug through a drawer and pulled out a white T-shirt. He shrugged into his favorite red hoodie, not bothering to zip it up despite the early morning chill. He stuffed his feet into his boots and stormed outside, slamming the door behind him.

A small yellow square on the wall before him caught his eye. There was an arrow pointing to his left scribbled on it in black sharpie with a single letter at the bottom: 'Z'. Ed pulled the Post-It off the wall and stared at it. Somewhat reluctantly, he glanced left. At the end of the hall was another yellow blotch. The arrow on this Post-It pointed to the door at the far end of the hall. Ed followed this one too, only to find himself in the alley behind the club. Halfway to the main street he saw another Post-It. He continued on the Post-It trail until they stopped appearing in another alley. He looked around, completely confused. Why had the Post-Its led him to Cross Academy? He wouldn't have to be here until Monday morning when classes started again for the week. He saw one last Post-It stuck to a building wall. Practically frantic by this point, he jogged over to it and tore it from the wall.

"Walk around the building. You'll find what you're looking for," he read aloud.

He ground his teeth and crumpled the note in his fist, throwing it to the ground. He stormed around the building and almost walked into something large and red. A second look confirmed that it was his motorcycle, fully repaired and even cleaned of the dirt and dust accumulated on the ride back from Risembool. Something glittery caught his eye: his jeweled handcuffs. He blinked stupidly and looked around. That explained where those had gone, as he hadn't seen them when he was ransacking his dressing room.

When he looked up, he saw Zero rounding the corner. The white-haired man paused and a rare smile shattered his serious expression. Ed felt a grin break out on his face as well. Zero hadn't abandoned him; he had just left early to get his bike repaired and bring it back.

"Can we do this again sometime?" he asked, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his black blazer, the light grey lines on it seeming to glint and glimmer in the sunlight. "Not the whole 'cat-and-mouse' hide-and-seek thing; the other thing."

"Sure," Ed replied, still grinning. Zero walked up to him and unlocked the handcuffs, clamping one around his wrist and the other around Ed's.

"I live by myself, if you ever feel like stopping by," he mumbled loud enough for only Ed to hear.

"I think I'll do that," the blond smirked, motioning for Zero to join him on the bike. He obliged and the two drove off into the city and lived happily ever after.

* * *

_A/N: okay, that was weird, i know._

_feel free to flame your hearts out!_


End file.
